I never really liked Shia LeBeouf, until I had a dream about him last month in which I was going to have sex with him and pop his cherry. That was really weird for multiple reasons, but after the dream I started to think he was actually kind of attractive. However, after watching Eagle Eye, I find him more annoying than anything else.

I recently saw LeBeouf on Late Night with Conan O’Brien and he came off as very self-important and obnoxious. He mentioned that the film was—like what Spielberg’s Jaws did for swimming—supposed to scare people from using their phones, computers, and cameras—which it didn’t quite do. There were some good action sequences, but for the most part you’re just shrieking at the characters, wondering why they don’t do this or that to get themselves out of the predicament. And pairing Michelle Monaghan with LeBeouf? I can live with them just being haphazard victims thrown together, but the end scene where they give each other the “fuck me” eyes? She’s ten years older than him!

The explanation for the apparent conspiracy was just too hokey: a super-computer decided that it needs to assassinate the country’s leaders. I really dislike movies in which technology plays the dominant role in the film; in three years, the movie will already feel dated and lose all appeal.